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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27784945">LFG: HUGE Russian Exo And Warlock Zaddy Looking For That Special Someone To Fill Out Fireteam [CLICK HERE]</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanyart/pseuds/tanyart'>tanyart</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Destiny (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Buffoonery, M/M, Mild Language, Trials of Osiris</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:07:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27784945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanyart/pseuds/tanyart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Loadout: MUST be packing HUNG JURY. ;)</p>
<p>Or, Drifter suffers playing Trials of Osiris with the two worst possible teammates (who are in love with each other).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Osiris/Saint-14 (Destiny)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>LFG: HUGE Russian Exo And Warlock Zaddy Looking For That Special Someone To Fill Out Fireteam [CLICK HERE]</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This had been in WIP hell since that season with the Sundial, but it takes place before Season of Arrivals. Sorry, and thank you.</p>
<p>(Huge thanks to fish and pell for the beta read and elevating my bad jokes with crispness.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So Osiris’ Time-Fuck Sundial doesn’t short-circuit the universe. Saint-14 is back. And Drifter’s rent money for the month goes through without a fuss. Great.</p>
<p>By all accounts, the universe looks to be in an upswing, but Drifter must’ve screwed up an equation or gotten a couple of numbers mixed up because the timeline decides to settle nicely into the one where he is in the queue for Trials, and his two teammates are none other than Saint-14 and Osiris.</p>
<p>All three of them stand together in a transmat zone, waiting. Saint and Osiris are at either side of him. Like they think he’s gonna run or something. (He’s tried. Once.)</p>
<p>“The queue algorithm must be having a hard time finding a fair match,” Osiris says, amused, and Saint’s boisterous laugh fills the air, warm and joyous. Probably glad to be alive, and even more glad to have Osiris with him. They might even be holding hands behind Drifter’s back, but it’s not like he’s gonna turn around and check.</p>
<p>Drifter’s eyes glaze over. There’s no way this is the legit timeline. Drifter decides the Sundial’s screwy. He’d rather be non-existent, and Osiris is a coward for not following up on his threat and deleting him from the universe.</p>
<p>“How good is your Golden Gun?” Saint-14 asks, not unkindly, but his tone makes Drifter’s hackles go all up.</p>
<p>Perfect. He can’t even be allowed to wait in pitiful silence. Drifter pointedly tugs at his stolen cloak. It’s red and trendy and smells like barbeque. They’re making him play Hunter. “It sucks, if I’m bein’ honest with you.”</p>
<p>“I don’t believe you are,” says Osiris, the coward. All those damned Echoes and Drifter’s blaming every single one of them for his current suffering. “My Ghost tells me your Light flows comfortably with all three energies. And then some.”</p>
<p>“Gross. Mind your business.”</p>
<p>Saint-14 claps him on the back. Whatever energies Osiris is rambling about probably go flying right out of Drifter’s body. His knees lock in place, but he can’t stifle the cough that expels from his lungs. It tastes like Void and last night’s dinner.</p>
<p>“I think it is a good team balance. We have a Titan, a Warlock, and a Hunter,” says Saint. “Even if you are only pretending.”</p>
<p>Drifter stares grumpily ahead of him. Truth be told, Hunter’s the easiest to fake. No making rifts, no barricades. All he has to do is wear a cloak then hop and spin around and call it dodging.</p>
<p>“Having Trials limited to classed <em>Light</em>bearers is bogus, and you know it,” he says, because picking a fight with the world’s greatest titan who has ever lived and died and lived again is always a good idea. “This might as well be Budget Crucible for six people.”</p>
<p>The barb slides right off. Saint’s probably tickled to be compared to Shaxx.</p>
<p>“Consider this repayment for your help with the Sundial! We will take you to the Lighthouse. It will be a good experience.”</p>
<p>“Repayment?” Drifter echoes incredulously. His Trials card feels like it’s burning a hole in his pocket. “You think <em>la-di-da</em>’ing up the fuckin’ Lighthouse is a <em>reward</em>? You’re crazy. Messed up. Vex-addled—”</p>
<p>Osiris smoothly cuts in before Drifter can continue his tirade of insults. “I suppose trying to steal Trials blueprints from the Vanguard Network is a little easier. Such a shame you were caught.”</p>
<p>Drifter snaps his mouth shut, furious. Okay, so maybe that had been a real dumbass stupid thing to do but Gambit’s popularity had been steadily declining, and he needs his motes. From what he’d seen, Trials loot didn’t look any more special than his gear. Didn’t look <em>that</em> great, in his opinion.</p>
<p>“Then call it for what it is; you two just wanna pick on ol’ Drifter here and ruin his weekend.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps,” Osiris says, very condescendingly, and Drifter swears Osiris better be ready to catch his hands, because Drifter’s fist is about to come up and deck that sucker right in his smug—</p>
<p>In a show of perfect timing, the queue finally decides to yank them through the transmat. Drifter doesn’t get to throw his punch, though he does see Osiris’ helmet turn, just slightly, before they all disappear.</p>
<p>They land on Venus. Drifter puts his fist down, hoping Osiris hadn’t seen any of <em>that</em>.</p>
<p>No such luck. Osiris is looking at him. “Well? Go ahead.”</p>
<p>Drifter punches him halfheartedly on the shoulder. Osiris barely moves as his fist sinks in. He blames it on the inactive friendly fire and that feather boa Osiris likes to wear so much.</p>
<p>A second later, Drifter takes a sniper bullet right in the face. <em>Welcome to Trials</em>, it says.</p>
<p>He doesn’t resurrect until the end of the round. Saint’s blinding Light kicks him back to the realm of the living and drops him back into a spawn point. Drifter glances between Osiris and Saint, both of them looking unruffled. He checks the timer of the round; it had lasted 4 minutes.</p>
<p>“Gee, thanks for the rez,” Drifter sneers.</p>
<p>“We thought it best to keep you dead,” says Osiris. He holds up a pulse rifle, barred with gold — Vigilance Wing. “A benefit for my gun. Keeping you dead procs additional damage.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, and now that Saint’s back, bet you’re missin’ that perk, eh? See if I rez you—” Drifter starts to say before a second sniper round hits him through the jaw.</p>
<p>They win another round without him.</p>
<p>In the next, Drifter has enough sense to duck behind some cover before that god damn enemy sniper finds him again. He hisses through the comms, “If you want dead weight, you oughta say so.” That way, he can focus on other things — like the layout of Burnout, the Trials weapons, the way the tournament is balanced...</p>
<p>“No,” Osiris says, evenly, “I kept you dead because you deserved it.”</p>
<p>Incredible. The legends don’t lie after all. What a jackass. Typical snobby Guardian attitude. Thinks he’s all that. Dumb fancy armor. Dumb kinetic exotic gun. Great boyfriend though.</p>
<p>“You might want to have that sniper find you again,” Osiris says as he and Saint start to move down one of the corridors. “Shouldn’t take too long.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t even spare Drifter a second glance, and it’s right then that Drifter decides to play.</p>
<p>Not because he has anything to prove, or because the thought of Osiris’ smug face is making his blood pressure rise. It’s just better than dying over and over again. He especially feels spiteful enough to not want to proc Osiris’ stupid Vigilance Wing. Damned heartless perk. What the flying fuck is that, really. Who designed that gun? Someone with shitty teammates? Someone who’s used to <em>assuming</em> he has shitty teammates?</p>
<p>“We’ll see about that,” Drifter mutters, running out from his cover.</p>
<p>Saint-14 is enjoying himself, keeping to Osiris’ side. Drifter trails after them, Bygones in hand, but he lets the two of them do most of the work.</p>
<p>Their teamwork is nauseatingly in sync. Saint-14 backs Osiris every step of the way, and in turn Osiris is clearly conscious of Saint’s position — either right or left, or slightly behind. Saint’s barricades come in the nick of time, and when those go down, Osiris lays down his Rifts.</p>
<p>In the meantime, Drifter gets the treat of having Osiris step in the way of his rocket launcher, or Saint’s barricades springing up in his face while he tries to take his own shot. He dies, once, three feet away from Osiris’ rift, and has to wait for a rez.</p>
<p>“You know what?” Drifter announces, after Saint has done him the unkindness of reviving him. “I’m gonna flank.”</p>
<p>“That’s not a good idea,” rumbles Saint. They’re running in circles around the perimeter of the map, catching the tail end of the enemy team; a warlock and two titans.</p>
<p>“You know what else is not a good idea? Playing Trials.”</p>
<p>Drifter leaves them with that to chew on. He goes for the flank — which really means creeping his way to the Heavy Synths while Saint and Osiris give chase.</p>
<p>Lo and behold, the sniper finds him again. He gets shot before he can do anything, let alone pick up that Heavy ammo.</p>
<p>This repeats until the end of the match. And <em>yet</em>…</p>
<p>“An excellent win!” Saint booms, waving his Trials card. Even Osiris looks pleased.</p>
<p>Drifter feels like he’s been shot through the head three times. He contemplates hopping on the closest ship and gunning it straight towards that ice planet again.</p>
<p>It’s going to be a long day.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>During their second match of the tournament, Drifter gets sick of seeing Osiris stare after Saint, only to glance away the moment Saint turns around so that <em>he</em> can stare after Osiris. They’re all huddled in one corner of the Altar, avoiding sniper lines and shotgun campers. Drifter is once again in the unfortunate position of being sandwiched between Saint’s hulking armor spikes and Osiris’ feathery boa.</p>
<p>“Listen. Whatever it is between you two, I want no part of it. Just take each other out for dinner or something. Light some candles, throw some rose petals over the bed and call it a day.”</p>
<p>“I have no idea what you are talking about.”</p>
<p>“Haha, what? What are you saying, the Drifter? Osiris and I are doing fine. But thank you for asking.”</p>
<p>Drifter heaves a sigh off the comms. Physically, the sigh lasts for a whole five seconds. Mentally, it’s still going.</p>
<p>You’d think that having Saint-14, Titan extraordinaire, would make Trials a breeze, and Osiris, for all his jackassery, ain’t nothing to sneeze at either. Drifter grudgingly admits that they are <em>good</em>. So why can’t he just kick back and let them rack up kills?</p>
<p>Well, the problem starts when Saint gets triple-teamed by the enemy throwing all their ammo and grenades into him. Smart move. Saint goes down quick and the enemy team scatters before Drifter and Osiris can return the favor.</p>
<p>Saint’s Ghost hovers in Burnout’s middle yard. Way too open for the two of them to go running out there, but Drifter figures he can cover Osiris for a bit while he goes in for the rez.</p>
<p>It’s a good plan. Except there’s no Osiris.</p>
<p>Osiris is too busy gunning after the enemy team. Not just the enemy team, but specifically the Titan who’d gotten in the last bullet that killed Saint.</p>
<p>Osiris summons his Dawnblade.</p>
<p>Osiris starts flying, wreathed in flames of retribution.</p>
<p>And then Osiris leaves the middle yard completely, a trail of Solar fire in his wake.</p>
<p>Distantly, Drifter can hear some parts of Burnout burst into flames.</p>
<p>And because Drifter has some sense, he uses the distraction to creep up to Saint’s Ghost. It doesn’t take much to resurrect Saint. “Where’s Osiris?” Saint asks, even before his boots hit the ground.</p>
<p>“Um,” Drifter says, as they both get the notification that Osiris has killed the offending Titan but also himself in the process, proving that anger and vengeance and running off to extract your own revenge may not always be the right answer. Or something like that.</p>
<p>“No,” Saint breathes, in a way that Drifter can clearly sense means he is about to do something very foolish.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey. Maybe you’ve heard that anger and vengeance and running off to extract your own revenge may not always—” Drifter begins but Saint is long gone, a cloud of Void energy marking his path.</p>
<p>He throws up his hands in exasperation. And by then the rest of the enemy team might as well find him standing alone in the middle yard like some idiot because why not.</p>
<p>He dies by hand cannon fire. But hey, at least it’s not by a sniper rifle.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Four rounds later, Drifter’s had it. He is at his limit. Saint and Osiris are playing ring around the resurrection tree with him in the middle and it sucks. At first, they were getting all huffy and mad about seeing each other get killed, but now it’s worse. <em>Now</em>, it looks like they’re enjoying it. Like it’s some sick way of flirting, and they’re using it as an excuse to resurrect each other and do stuff like... touching. Unnecessary touching.</p>
<p>When Drifter gets resurrected, Saint and Osiris stay a cool one meter distance away from him. No one catches Drifter by the waist or takes him by the elbow or brushes their hands together. Not that he’s into crap like that. Freaks.</p>
<p>Anyway, Osiris’ Vigilance Wing must be happy. At least one person’s dead most of the time. Saint and Osiris must’ve gotten into some kind of rhythm of having someone die, and it might even be that they enjoy the challenge itself.</p>
<p>Drifter taps his foot as Saint moves past him to rez Osiris. At this point he’s not going to be surprised if Osiris lands in his arms and Saint twirls him around to dip him for a kiss.</p>
<p>And like the prophet of doom that he is, Drifter gets to watch Osiris resurrect of a blaze of fiery glory and Saint, swear to the Darkness and Traveler, catches him by the waist like he’s gonna actually twirl the most infamous Warlock that’s ever existed and, and, and—</p>
<p>Drifter turns away. He starts screaming inside his head for good measure.</p>
<p>“You two sickos keep macking on each other. <em>I’m</em> gonna wrap up this round myself,” he announces.</p>
<p>“We’re <em>not</em> macking,” Osiris shouts after him as Saint makes noises of similar protests.</p>
<p>Yeah, yeah. Drifter leaves them to do whatever the hell they want because he’s got a plan. It’s a great plan.</p>
<p>He follows the steady red blink of his radar. He’s got a fistful of pent-up frustration and a gauge full of Light and he<em> will</em> put it to good use.</p>
<p>There’s an enemy Warlock hiding behind one of the candlelit pillars with a shotgun. Perfect. Drifter starts running at them, cloak flapping in the wind. The Warlock looks up, startled to see one pissed off Golden Gunner.</p>
<p>But Drifter doesn’t Golden Gun. A glaive as bright as the sun materializes into his hand and Drifter skewers the enemy Warlock like good meat over a fire.</p>
<p>The ban requests and cheating notifications start popping up in Drifter’s HUD less than a second later. For use of an illegal and unverified Super Attack.</p>
<p>“Well, would ya look at that,” Drifter says, triumphant.</p>
<p>The three of them get booted back to the Tower. Drifter’s Trials card fizzles one satisfying mark of a loss well earned, as does Saint’s and Osiris’.</p>
<p>Osiris is on him in an instant, snarling, “Listen, you recalcitrant <em>rat</em>—”</p>
<p>“Osiris, I thought we decided not to call him that to his face,” Saint-14 says, pulling the feathered bastard from Drifter’s face.</p>
<p>“An hour ban from Trials! What a damn cryin’ shame,” Drifter says, packing up his gear and throwing off the Hunter armor double-quick, “Sounds fair though. Real fair. Love rules. Rules are good. Ah well, looks like I’ll be headin’ out—”</p>
<p>A heavy hand drops on his shoulder. The weight isn’t enough to dislocate anything from his socket, but the firm grip is plenty enough to remind Drifter that it could’ve. Saint-14 says, excited, “I think you may be on to something, friend.”</p>
<p>“What? No, no, no. I’m not on anything. <em>You’re</em> on somethin’. I just got the greatest Titan in the universe banned from his own event.”</p>
<p>“Good!” Saint praises, right into Drifter’s face. “I want you to cheat! Keep doing it.”</p>
<p>“Actually, that is a good idea,” says Osiris, as if anyone even asked for his opinion. “I approve. It’ll help iron out the bugs.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Drifter is speechless. He sputters, “I disapprove. Y’all are numbnuts stupid, is what.”</p>
<p>“But you are good at cheating, yes?” Saint continues, holding out his hand and counting fingers as he benevolently lists: “Exploiting rules, finding loopholes. Swindling other Guardians. Hacking into the Tower security feeds. Being a snake who is more likely to stab backs than watch them?”</p>
<p>“Wow. Okay. Y’all really know how to butter a guy up,” says Drifter. He holds up one hand to give Saint and Osiris the ol’ bird. In fact, he’s feeling brave so he shoots up both hands. Two birds for the lovebirds. “But fuck the both of you. I ain’t helping you one iota. I’m getting lunch.”</p>
<p>He starts stomping off, leaving dusty footprints all over the Trials carpet for good measure. He gets five whole steps before Saint calls out.</p>
<p>“Have you ever been to Pineapplebees?”</p>
<p>Drifter stops. “The one in the Core East district?”</p>
<p>“We can get you in. For a dinner. Maybe with room for an invite,” Osiris adds.</p>
<p>Drifter turns around. “Make it a <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297018">plus two</a>, and I might start considerin’ it.”</p>
<p>“You have two friends?”</p>
<p>“You waste any Solar energy with those burns, asshole?”</p>
<p>Saint puts his hands up, placating on Osiris’ behalf. “Hush, Osiris. You are making him mad.” To Drifter, he assures, “It’s a very good restaurant. Great food.”</p>
<p>Drifter grunts, only a little jealous. And suddenly hungry. “So I’ve heard.”</p>
<p>Saint transmats three cards into his hands. Drifter’s Ghost materializes to do a scan; they are real. Three genuine Pineapplebees passes.</p>
<p>Drifter’s feet take him back to Saint. He snatches the cards away.</p>
<p>“You want me to pay me to break Trials for you?” Drifter asks, stuffing the cards into his pockets. “Fine. <em>Fine.</em> You got yourselves a deal.”</p>
<p>He thanks his lucky stars he can’t see either of them smile smugly through their helmets.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>In the end, Drifter — he is very proud to say — ends up breaking Trials so thoroughly it goes down for two weeks.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid the Lighthouse is impossible to reach now,” Saint rumbles, as morose as Drifter has ever heard him. “Perhaps we can use the Infinite Forest to take you—”</p>
<p>(“No!” says Osiris, who is rightfully ignored.)</p>
<p>“Nah,” Drifter interrupts, dusting off his hands. “Nah, I’m good.”</p>
<p> </p>
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